I have a confession to make. Becoming a Bachelor of Arts student in college was outside my life plan. Yup, I wasn’t supposed to be here. Instead of attending anatomy and chemistry lectures or mastering a procedure for a return demonstration, my days are filled with writing numerous essays, crafting news stories, and drafting e-mails asking someone for an interview.
If I told the younger me that I didn’t pursue a career in medicine, she’d probably despise me because little Lexy has always wanted to be a superhero wearing a white coat, saving lives.
I remember having doctor play sets and always playing pretend with anybody in our household. I’d be the doctor, and they’d be my patients. I also had a phase where I’d always wear my auntie’s pink stethoscope around my neck for no reason at all.
Everybody in my inner circle knows of this dream, frankly, because it is all I ever talk about whenever the opportunity is there. My friends would even call me Dra. Cruz and I always feel so giddy whenever they do. My family would also playfully tease me sometimes and say, “Oh, ayan na pala ang doktora namin!” As early as third year in high school, aside from knowing which pre-medical course I’d take, I also knew what specialization and which medical school I’d enroll in. My heart was so set on journeying down this path that I refused to set my eyes on anything else.
Little me is a dreamer. I had the wildest and brightest imagination as a child. I wanted to be all sorts of things when I was younger, not just a doctor. I wanted to become an astronaut at one point but decided to brush that off of my “Dreams List” since I thought floating around in space was kind of scary. I had a long mental list of all the things I wanted to do and all the dreams I wanted to achieve when I was younger. My dreams were all powered by a childhood icon and personal hero who was the first person who taught me that I am so much more than just one dream.
A little fun fact about me is that I was a big fan of Barbie growing up. I was probably Barbie’s biggest fan, to be honest (not that it’s a competition). She was my childhood icon and my hero. She once said that “You can be anything.” Her words resonated deeply within me. From what my tiny brain could understand then, she was basically telling me that I could be more than just a doctor; I could also be creating art or singing songs on stage while I work hard to save people’s lives.
A few more years down the road, in high school, I discovered my passion for theater arts, design, and journalism. There is a certain kind of joy that I feel whenever I am tasked to direct a classroom play, write a script for a school drama, act in front of an audience, or put my thoughts on paper and have them published in our school’s newspaper. I’ve always just thought of it as a hobby that I love doing on the sidelines. I never saw it in a different light, say, as a field I’ll pursue professionally someday. I also dreamed of becoming an actress and a fashion designer when I was growing up, but that wasn’t the holy grail for me.
Recalling these, I started questioning my college decisions in the last few weeks leading up to our senior high school graduation. At this point, my heart feels like it’s about to implode. It pained me to have doubts, especially when I was so close to achieving my goal of obtaining an “MD” and becoming the first licensed professional doctor in my family. But life has different plans for me it seems. Initially, I faced the disappointment of failing to meet the cut-off grade of my dream university, which dampened my spirit for days, and now, I am grappling with uncertainty about whether I should still pursue a career in the medical field. It bothered me more than I’d care to admit because this was a big deal for me. It’s not a decision I took lightly.
That nagging thought kept bugging me for weeks on end, until one night, I finally gained some clarity. In a moment filled with nerves, I made the most nerve-wracking and unexpected decision I think I have ever made.
And so, I penned a message to inform my parents.
“Mom, dad, I don’t want to take up medicine any longer. It doesn’t feel right for me. I changed my mind.”
I was an anxious wreck while waiting for their response, and the emotional strain was so overwhelming that tears streamed down my cheeks afterward. You see, for the longest time, my family and friends knew me as the one destined to become the first-ever “doktora” in our bloodline. So, the thought of breaking this news to them weighed heavily on my heart, fearing I might disappoint those who held high hopes for me. The last thing I wanted was to let down anyone, but fortunately, I didn’t. The incredible amount of support I received from my loved ones was both heartening and reassuring, leaving me with a profound sense of relief and confidence in my decision.
I shifted courses. The moment I did, the persistent tiny voice in my head that has been troubling me for weeks went radio silent. My heart felt a newfound sense of lightness, and that was when I understood this was the right call to make. A sensation of thrill and excitement took the place of the internal conflict. It took courage to deviate from the well-trodden road of medicine, a decision that once seemed indomitable. However, in doing so, I uncovered a world of unexplored passions and talents that had lain dormant within me.
I can attest that the journey has been filled with considerable challenges, unexpected turns, and transformative, enchanting experiences. Along the way, I have encountered remarkable and inspiring individuals, gained valuable knowledge in previously unfamiliar domains, and surprisingly discovered a talent I never knew I possessed.
I was so caught up in one goal and becoming one thing that I lost sight of the other possibilities and opportunities laid out for me.
Today, I’m at peace with my decision, and I take pride in what I do. I know that the younger me is not disappointed. If anything, I am sure that I made Little Miss Big Dreamer proud of who I’ve become and will continue to be.
As a child, I felt like I knew everything, but as I grew up, I started to feel lost, as if I didn’t know how to use my own two feet to walk down a road. But at the same time, I have grown up to embrace the ideals imparted by my childhood hero, Barbie. Even at this age, she remains my source of inspiration and empowerment. Her ideals have become a guiding light, illuminating my way to a future that can transcend boundaries and embrace the infinite possibilities that lie ahead. I have come to understand that life is not a rigid path but rather an expansive canvas on which we can choose to paint our dreams in countless, varying hues and in different styles and strokes. Barbie’s words serve as a reminder that life’s possibilities are as vast as the horizon and that there is no need to limit ourselves within a box of ours or even others’ ideals and expectations.
Dream big and dream high, dream about even the most ridiculously sounding dreams. After all, you are capable of so much more than just becoming one thing.