Back then, I thought I had already seen the kind of life I wanted to live. I thought it was the life that many people would look up to. When they passed me by, they would think, “She must be having a wonderful life.”
They say that high school is one of the happiest moments that teenagers may experience—a big circle of friends, extracurricular activities, and various opportunities. Well, I can’t attest to that. Reminiscing about high school memories is like looking back at how I felt exhausted trying to fit in the crowd. It was the stage of my life where I let people dictate who I should be, and my personal desires did not really matter. As early as seventh grade, I had a deep eagerness to maximize my potential when it came to writing, so I planned on joining our school journalism organization. Yet, that eagerness vanished when people questioned my skills. “Magaling ka ba riyan?” they asked. Clouded with self-doubt and fear of being left out, I resorted to being dependent on my friends, which I terribly regretted.
Staying in your comfort zone may be the most confusing point in your life. Sure, living is easier because you’ve already adapted to what is convenient to you, but you also feel like you’re the only one who isn’t moving and that everyone else has already established their own identity. The question, “Is this simply the kind of person I am?”, will linger in your mind.
I redeemed all the opportunities that I wasted during junior high school when I stepped into senior high school. I told myself that it’s high time I establish my own image—an image of someone who is smart, which I have proven constantly. I sensed a high level of fulfillment when I excelled in my exams, obtained a perfect score in activities, and performed well in recitations. However, changing from being an average student who is satisfied with mediocrity to a student who drudges herself to become an overachiever was tough inasmuch as a part of you is still grieving over the person you could have been, and whenever you struggle to meet the standard you have made, you instantly assume that those around you also think you are a failure.
In all honesty, I dwelled too much on my insecurities to the extent that I found myself envious of people who I thought had not encountered lapses and difficulties because I asserted they were reaching their ambitions with ease. More so, it came to my mind that I am the one who keeps putting herself in a state of wanting to become someone, as I am also preventing myself from cultivating my own passion, which will inspire me to envision the person I truly wish to be in the future. From then on, it crossed my mind that I wanted to be someone who provides mental and emotional support—a psychologist.
When my application was reconsidered at one of the well-known state universities in Manila, I was ready to give up my dream course and secure my slot just for the sake of boosting my ego. Nonetheless, the desire to prioritize my aspirations was much greater than satisfying the expectations of people around me.
All these experiences have led me to a conclusion: Being unable to detach from the phase of always seeking validation is the same as constantly sabotaging yourself.
It is suffocating to continue your days believing that your existence only appears when other people recognize you, don’t you think? Because you will keep on tiring yourself just to please them, along with the fear of not becoming enough, which will corrupt your mind.
We don’t realize sooner that when we are too pressured to become the person that everyone will admire or like, we hinder ourselves from having our sense of being. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about doing something different; there’s nothing wrong when you are the last one to reach the finish line. Above all else, you have the sole control of how you want to live your life.