The Weight of our “I love Yous”

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

Your big, brown, pretty eyes bore into mine.

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

You said for what might be the twenty-third time today. You took my hands and clasped them in yours, peppering my knuckles with soft, tender kisses.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴?

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

With a small smile, “I know,” I said in reply.

I know you love me because you knew how much I liked my coffee and pancakes in the morning.

I know you love me because you knew I preferred baby’s-breath over red or white roses.

I know you love me because you’d think of me when you see cute puppies on your way to work, and send me pictures of them along with the pretty sky because it calmed me.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘺, 𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥?

I know you love me because you’d memorize the lyrics of my favorite songs and sing them with me in the car.

I know you love me because you’d always buy Chinese takeouts for dinner whenever I had a bad day.

I know you love me because you’d always order two of what you’re getting because you knew I’d want to swap my order with yours eventually.

I know you love me because you’d always save the last bite of our favorite cheesecake for me.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦?

I know you love me because of the way you’d run like a track star to hug me after weeks of being away from each other.

I know you love me because you’d patiently wait for me and trail along when we’d go shopping.

I know you love me because you’d listen to me intently when I yap about the books I’ve been reading.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦?

I know you love me because you’d always ask me what I was in the mood to eat and cook it for our lunch.

I know you love me because you’d send me random photos and clips throughout your day to let me know you’re doing okay.

I know you love me because you’d always make me tea before bed because you knew I couldn’t ever sleep without it.

I know you love me because you’d keep drawing little hearts on my back as I rested my head on your chest until I fell asleep.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘦 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦?

I know you love me because you’d always remove my makeup for me after a wine-drunken night out with the girls.

I know you love me because you’d never leave the bed until you and I exchanged good mornings and forehead kisses.

I know you love me because you’d always ask, “Can we FaceTime?” with matching cute emojis through text because you couldn’t wait until we were home to tell me about your workplace gossip.

I know you love me because you’d always ask, “Comfort or cents?” when I was airing out my frustrations and rants, being ever so considerate and sensitive of what I was feeling.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴?

I know you love me because, on mundane days, you’d pick up a book and read with me in silence even if you said, “I can never commit to finishing reading a book.”

I know you love me because you’d always tell me, “I love how your brain works,” when I’d have you read my papers before I turned them in for submission.

I know you love me because you’d travel from North to South just to pick me up from work and tell me, “You did well today,” as you’d hand me a bouquet of pretty flowers.

Sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦’𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯, 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘴?

I know you love me because even when you seem to be zoning out and absent while telling you how my work got recognized as the best among my colleagues, you’d still mumble, “Yeah, that’s nice,” to acknowledge my victory.

I know you love me because you’d still manage to send me an update or two, even if there were hints of a sudden shift in your tone and distance in your texts that I couldn’t ignore.

I know you love me even on days when your eyes didn’t seem to sparkle the same way when touched by the morning light from our window pane as if you’d grown tired of our routine.

I know you love me even if there were moments amid a conflict when your heave of a sigh sounded too heavy and your reassurances felt like they lacked depth and sincerity.

I know you love me even when a petty fight over our fast food order turned into an explosive argument about a forgotten date night or keeping tabs on each other’s lapses.

I know you love me because you’d still come home to our quaint, shared space after a long day, even if this time, your “I’m home” forehead kisses were without affection, and the warmth of your presence was subdued by the darkness of our bedroom.

I know you love me. After all, there was never a day you didn’t tell me, and you had always matched your actions with your words.

But sometimes, I wonder, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴?

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

You said again. Only this time, there was an obvious bittersweet haze that hung in the air, muffling the sweet sound of your voice as the words left your mouth.

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

Your bloodshot and puffy eyes bore into my dark and lifeless ones.

I curved my lips into a downward smile, “I know,” I timidly replied.

I know that that day has come. 𝘋𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘰𝘮-𝘤𝘰𝘮 𝘤𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴, 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 “𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶,” 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴.

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

You said again as you let go of my hands, kissed my cheeks, and walked away from the doorstep of our shared apartment.

𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

I know you love me because even after some years, your I love yous still haunt the four corners of this now dull and empty space and echo in the hollow chambers of my heart once full with the breadth of your love.

Written by Lexine Cruz

Illustration by Geslaine Garcia